One of my friends died last weekend of cancer. She was a part of our dreamgroup, sitting in circle, sharing and commenting on our dreams. We have been doing this for almost 4 years. I have found that sharing dreams creates an intimacy that nothing else does. When we share dreams, we share our deepest selves, our struggles, questions, fears, triumphs, and our transformations etc. Our dream group shared all of these and more.
My friend got her cancer diagnosis not long after our dreamgroup started. It was a threshold that we all consciously and lovingly walked through, in order to support her in her journey. We talked about so many things, like spirituality, meaning, priorities, family, and of course her fighting the cancer. She was very supportive of my process of expressing my creativity and putting myself “out there.” I’ll be eternally grateful for her unwavering love and support, no matter how ambivalent and skiddish I was in the process.
About a month ago, my friend was hospitalized for medical complications of her chemo treatment. The night before I was to visit her in the hospital, I had a dream that scared me awake. The dream was a bunch of people and I are in a river, the water is probably up to our chests. We all let go of this body (face down in water) and watch it float down the river. I get very anxious and I know I have dreamed this before. I wake myself up. Hours later, I visit my friend in the hospital and there is something that she says that brings the dream memory back. I realize that my dream was preparing me for her next step in her journey - her death. We talked about death, where we go after we die, what happens to our soul, family, and her preparing her friends for her death. She seemed at peace with her death - she even said so. After our talk, I went to my car and cried. Then as I drove home, an image of a piece of art symbolizing death and our conversation flashed - something that I felt drawn to create.
Short of a month, my friend died with her family near. That morning I woke up wide awake and “knew” that I needed to stay awake, to stay present, and "help" her die. I lit a candle I made for her and her cousin, and sprinkled cinnamon around the candle, with the intention of her letting go. A butterfly or moth flitted at the screen and I talked to it, thus beginning my goodbyes. I told my friend “We love you, you fought the good fight, you have done what you can, and it’s time to let go”. I thanked her for all that she gave, who she is and what she has taught us. The butterfly or moth flew away and I felt this relief or lightening of energy -it’s really hard to explain. I later got the call from another friend, that my friend had died that morning. Believe what you will, but it did feel like I helped to hold sacred space for her in her death.
It’s just been a few days since my friend died, but I have been going through “now what?” in my life. I have been really clear about my role in helping her in any way she wanted from me for almost 4 years. Since her death, I have been looking for something to give me direction, something that I know what I’m supposed to do next. There is a reason why I say this, and I think that story is for another time.
But one thing that I will say is that creating art is something that I can not NOT do. I will create that image that I “saw” when I was driving home from the hospital. I will create more dream art too. I certainly will be creating a mosaic memorial for my friend - something to commemorate her life, what she means to me, and what she has taught me.
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